Uncle Stanley

In this episode, Margaret pauses the ongoing story of her family’s transition from South Florida to Oklahoma to acknowledge a life-changing loss.

Nearly three weeks ago, her Uncle Stanley — a constant presence through every stage of her 41 years — passed away. More than an uncle, he was like a father, a source of love, laughter, and steady presence.

Margaret shares reflections on who he was, what he meant to her, and how deeply his life is woven into who she is today. This episode is a tribute to his love, his light, and the lasting impact he leaves behind.

For inquiries, please email:  girllivelovebe@gmail.com
 

Transcript

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Hello everybody. Welcome to this episode of Girl Live Love Be. I am Margaret Smith Williams and I'm just trying to live right, love right, and be right. So we've been on this journey of recounting my experience with my family's transition from South Florida to Oklahoma. But I wanted to take a pause to acknowledge a very big life change that has occurred in the last two and a half weeks. As much as I would like to try, I really just can't brush past how my life has permanently changed recently. Almost three weeks ago, my favorite Uncle Stanley, who's been like a dad to me, passed away after a year-long battle with stage four cancer. My Uncle Stanley has been a part of every phase and every stage of my 41 years of life. And not to mention or talk about him on this podcast just wouldn't be an accurate reflection of who I am or where I am in this moment. So I thought the best way to describe him to my listeners or explain our relationship or detail how much of him is weaved into my upbringing and evolution as a woman, I thought I'd read to you the eulogy that I gave at his funeral on April 10th. So my mom, Eloise, or Lady Eloise, as my friends call her, or Queen Mother, as my friends call her, said that I volunteered to do my uncle's eulogy a long time ago. I don't remember that, but actually, my Uncle Stanley voluntoled me, or in other words, he just told my mom that when he passes, he wants me to do the eulogy. And here we are. I am going to do my best to get through this without breaking down. So please bear with me as I share my heart. A little of Uncle Stanley's heart and a lot of God's heart for all of us today. Sit back, relax, because this eulogy is a little different. I am gonna make you laugh, I'm gonna make you cry, I'm gonna make you think, and hopefully grab hold a little bit, a little bit, a lot more. Is that okay? Here we go. Erwin Stanley Chess. I call him my uncle Stanley. I know he has other nieces and nephews that love him as well, but for this instance, he's gonna be called my Uncle Stanley. My Uncle Stanley was the worst driver. I'm talking about a cross between the fast and the furious and the NASCAR racer trainee that didn't make the cut. I would be in the car riding with him, holding on for my dear life and praying, clenching the seatbelt. Like I felt like I was on a roller coaster ride, and not the baby roller coasters either. I'm talking about the ones that do the loops and the turns and the twists, the ones that go like 300 miles per hour with unlimited twists and turns. Yes, that is what it was like to ride in the car with my Uncle Stanley sometimes. If he was an Uber driver, my review would be clean car, great music playlist, horrible driver. Do not recommend unless you like risking your life. My Uncle Stanley made the best cornbread from scratch now, not Jiffy, and also the most delicious fried chicken, which by the way, I don't really know how to make fried chicken that way. I know as a Southern girl it's very disappointing, but my Uncle Stanley made the best fried chicken. My mom loved his macaroni and cheese. His friends also talk about how he made the best pork chop. My Uncle Stanley was so handsome and hardly ever took a picture like a regular human being. He always had to strike this serious face, like he was on the cover of GQ magazine. In the tribute video that we played at the funeral, you can see his eyes staring intently in the camera in all of his photos. My cousins and I were always clown him about that. He was handsome and even some of my friends had crushes on him. And more recently, my friend said Uncle Stanley was 90s RB fine. He looked like he belongs in an H Town or a voice-to-man music video. Even in the casket. Casket, excuse me, my Uncle Stanley looks so good. Side note, black people are the only people who be walking by a casket and say, Didn't he look good? Well, my Uncle Stanley looked good. His skin was smooth, his dreads were twisted perfectly. My sister picked out a seat that was perfection, and the brooch was placed ever so perfectly on the left side of his suit. He looked like he was asleep. He didn't even look like his body had fought stage four cancer for a year. He didn't even look like the last time that I saw him, which was gasping for breath, holding off for dear life. He's got to be the number one on my list of best-looking dead men. And I've seen quite a few people in a casket before. I just want to give a quick shout out to Dr. Betty at the Allendale Community Funeral Home in small town of Allendale, South Carolina. She's the truth. She made my uncle look good. Wait. To my Caucasian and non-black listeners, do y'all judge the way your loved ones look in caskets like black people do? I'm just asking for a friend. Because us black people gonna comment about a dead person in a funeral for days. Anyway, back to my Uncle Stanley. His hair. Uncle Stanley had a high top fade, texturizer, straight back cornrows, twists, dreads. Like he rocked all the styles. Like my grandma Becky and my Aunt Trisha, he wasn't a fan of gray hair. So much so that when I saw him at the family viewing, the first thing I checked for was to see if his roots had been touched up. Thank you again, Dr. Betty, for covering up his gray. Because my uncle Stanley would have fit if he would have been laying up there and his roots were gray. Just ex Ashanti, his friend and hairdresser. She would attest to that. My Uncle Stanley's clothing was never wrinkled, always pressed, creased, and stylish for the times. My Uncle Stanley was a hard-working hustler, always finding a way to make some money, whether it was couponing, selling goods at the flea market, moving furniture, transporting people, moving people in and out of their homes. If he could make some money out of it, he was gonna figure it out. Especially if it was gonna help him go on a trip. He's not gonna turn down an opportunity that was going to allow him to travel at any given point in time. My Uncle Stanley was fun, just vibrant. Like you could hang out with him anywhere. At home, family cookout, a party, the movies, the church, or even the casino. My Uncle Stanley never judged, but he would surely give his opinion if he asked, if you asked him. My Uncle Stanley was a fast walker and constant mover until he got sick. He would never sit down, always on the go, always doing something, always helping somebody or traveling somewhere. My Uncle Stanley was a lover of food and sometimes a picky eater. Very much so, kind of bougie and always down for a good meal. When he went to my mom's house in Charlotte, he would travel with his own tubware containers so that he could take food back time back home. There was this one time when he came to my house in Miami, and I believe I baked like either a pound cake or a sweet potato pie. It could have been both. And my uncle Stanley took, I believe, a whole pie home. It was both the pie and the cake. He took a whole pie home and close to half the pound cake back with him. He didn't even think about whether we would want to have some at home ourselves. He was just making sure he had his to take home. As my granddaddy would say, my uncle Stanley was a hard-headed sapsucker. Sometimes he just wouldn't listen. Even up to a few weeks ago, I was fussing at him about driving and eating and going to the hospital and making sure that he rest. He wasn't even trying to listen to me. I think that comes from being the youngest child. The youngest kids seem to have their own way of doing things. They march to the beat of their own drum. Anybody listening is the youngest child? Yep. I can probably guess you're a little hard-headed too. My Uncle Stanley was a world traveler, a life explorer. A low flight or an opportunity to travel would hate to see him coming. I remember a few years ago when I decided to attend my biological father's family reunion, and I had like a little bit of apprehension. For context, I'm not as close with that side of my family, or as close to my biological father's side of the family as I am with like my mother's side or my stepdad's side or even my husband's family. And I remember talking to my mom about how I hadn't really been to my father's side of the family in over 20 years. Like I may speak with some of the family members every now and then, but I didn't really know them intimately, and they also didn't know me intimately. At my big age of like 30 something, I felt nervous about spending a weekend away without having someone there that like really genuinely knew me. Like my brother would be there. My brother and I share the same biological father, but not mother. And my niece would be there, but it still would feel just a little bit lonely for me. Like I would still feel like a little bit out of place. Kind of like a fish out of water. So my mom and my daddy Lim decided that they were gonna drive down from Charlotte to Savannah just to hang out with me and be with me. Then my uncle Stanley called me and I talked to him about it, and I told him about my nervousness around the trip. And the next thing I know, my Uncle Stanley and his best friend Will come for were coming from Atlanta to Savannah to visit me. He said, We will meet you there. I know my Uncle Stanley was coming to check on me, but he was also coming because he got a trip to Savannah at half price. My Uncle Stanley was a promoter of happiness, a master of peace. My Uncle Stanley was a devoted son, a brother, friend, cousin, neighbor, and uncle. He loved his family, and he loved his friend. As all of those who love him and know him can attest, my uncle Stanley had a way of making everyone he encountered feel special, truly stint, truly seen. He never met a stranger, and I've never met anyone that didn't like him. If you didn't like my Uncle Stanley, there is something truly wrong with you. How could you help but not to love him? He had this way of bulldozing his way into your life, into your heart, always showing up, always making a way to get there, lending a helping hand, listening ear, or just his presence. He was always sending a text to call in or check on somebody. He was always showing up for my grandma or his sisters, to my cousin celebrations, to the family reunions. He was always making sure his nieces and nephews had some laundry detergent, cleaning supplies, lunch or gas money. Always supporting his friends, their life celebrations, or being there with them in times of need. He was always showing up for his neighbors, taking in the trash, the mail, moving their furniture, or helping to see after their families. He was good to people. Even when people weren't good to him, he was good to people. My Uncle Stanley was good to my family. My Uncle Stanley was good to me. My Uncle Stanley was the most constant and consistent man in my life. We go way back. I'm talking 41 years and around six months. From the moment I was born up until April 4th, 2026, at 11 a.m. Central Standard Time, my Uncle Stanley has been here with me. My mom tells me that he was even at the hospital with her while I was born. She remembers him sitting in the corner of the room of the floor with his book bag and possibly a book in his hand and just studying and reading. And literally, since that day, he's been sitting, watching, caring, and loving me. Grade school, middle school, high school, pageants, graduations, even college graduation, when I got married, when my kids were born, family holidays, when I moved into my first two houses, my Uncle Stanley slept on my couch, cleaned my kitchens, packed my boxes, organized my garage, cooked me dinner, fried chicken, cabbage, and cornbread to be exact. Not the Jiffy kind. Uncle Stanley has been everywhere with me. The only place he didn't make it was to my current home in Oklahoma. On Friday, April 3rd, into the morning of Saturday, April 4th, I had the honor of watching my uncle transition into heaven via FaceTime. It was one of the most beautiful and heartbreaking honors of my life. I will never forget it. To be with the one who was with you when you entered into the world, and to get to usher him into God's presence, to surround him with the love he's given us. Even from thousands of miles away, there's no greater privilege. And to be able to give his eulogy, sharing his life, his heart, and God's heart, it is true and honor, and I am humbly grateful, and I hope my make my uncle proud. I think if my uncle were here today, he'd want me to remind his family and his loved ones of just a few things. The first thing that my Uncle Stanley would want me to remind you of is number one, take care of yourself. Say it with me. Uncle Stanley would want you to do what? Take care of yourself. At least once a week, for as long as I can remember, my Uncle Stanley would end at least one of our conversations with make sure you take care of yourself, Margaret. And so today, I will tell you, like he's told me, make sure you take care of yourself, take care of your body, take care of your mind, take care of your will, take care of your emotions. And I'm just not talking about physical wellness. Yes, that's important. But I'm talking about the wellness that can't be seen with the eyes. What's going on in your heart? What are you thinking in your mind? Is your spirit connected and anchored in Jesus Christ? So many times we overlook the components of our soul and focus on the outward being. We look put to the put together on the outside, and our insides are dying. We are carrying childhood experiences, blaming ourselves for past mistakes, holding grief in our bones, trauma in our hearts, or just the weight of everyday life on our shoulders. 3 John 1 and 2 says, God wishes above all things that we should prosper and be in good health, even as our soul, our mind, our body, our will, and our emotions prospers. We cannot experience the fullness of God or the fullness of who He's called us to be or the beauty of life if we are not well. I think from the other side of heaven, my Uncle Stanley might want me to ask you, what are you going to do to just to not just keep your body well, but to keep your heart, your mind, your will, and your emotions safe and well? Have you considered therapy or writing in a journal? Have you talked to a trusted individual about the things you carry in your heart? Do you even take the time to acknowledge or express how you feel about the things that happened in your life? Or do you just act like they don't exist? Or do you go on the opposite end and just blow up and become angry at the drop of a dime? Do you even consider the feelings of those around you? We can't keep going through life this way. We can't just keep exploding like fireworks or stuffing things down like we are trash compactors. This is not the way to live. Uncle Stanley would not you want Uncle Stanley would not want you to live this way. More importantly, God does not want you to live this way. I know that life is busy, that we all have responsibilities, that people are relying on us to make things happen. But don't go into another week without checking in on you. Ask yourself, how can I be better for me? Not just for my family, my friends, but for me. You matter. Not just because of what you do or what you can give, but you, you the person, you matter. Your life mattered to my Uncle Stanley, your life matters to God, and your life needs to matter to you. Place taking yourself. Place taking care of yourself as the top priority. What would my Uncle Stanley want you to do? Yeah. He wants you to take care of yourself. The next thing my Uncle Stanley would want for you to do is to be happy. Repeat after me. Uncle Stanley will want me to do what? He would want me to be happy. How many of you listening are between the ages of 35 and up? Raise your hand, don't be ashamed. So, like my Uncle Stanley, we are all in that age range. And we probably didn't grow up with happiness being the forefront of life. It was all about go to school, go to work, take care of yourself, take care of your family, follow God, and stay out of trouble. Nobody was really promoting happiness like this. But in this younger generation today, y'all, these young folks only want to do things that make them happy. My uncle Stanley was an advocate of happiness. He lived his life based on what made the things that made him happy. He would often say to me, I want you to be happy. Do you know what makes you happy? And for a long time, I didn't even understand what that meant. But now I get it. And I believe that my Uncle Stanley would want you to consider what makes you happy. Ask yourself, what makes me happy? I'm not talking about doing the things that are illegal or outside of God's will. Like, nah, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about everyday life. When was the last time that you consider your happiness? The world is heavy enough. Like, have y'all seen these gas prices? There's a war going on, and I honestly believe that we're in the last days. Everything around us is so heavy. What can you do to contribute to being a little more happier each day? It could be small changes like taking a walk, watching your favorite show, reading a new book, spending more time with your family and friends. It could be a cup of coffee or tea on the porch. It could be traveling a little bit more, trying a new recipe, starting a new hobby, or maybe even just spending more time by yourself. How can you add a little bit more joy to your life? I think my uncle Stanley would want you to consider that. What is the second thing that my Uncle Stanley would want you to do? Be happy. The third thing that my Uncle Stanley would want for us is to look out for each other. What would my Uncle Stanley want us to do? Look out for each other. The world is changing, times are changing, and the only way that we're going to make it in this life is with Jesus and with each other. My Uncle Stanley was the epitome of Love Thy Neighbor. My uncle was the king of that. You can ask any of his sisters, any of his friends. He would call all the time for no reason. When I would travel for work or just travel in general, Uncle Stanley is gonna text me or call me before I take off and when I land. He wants to make sure that I got in the hotel room safe. And if I didn't call or text or answer him, you better believe that he was calling my mom looking for me. When is the last time that you went looking for someone? Like checking on your family and your friends. I'm not just talking about calling somebody to say hi. I mean like really check it in. Ask how they are doing. Really doing. When is the last time that you've asked them what's on their heart? I believe that God has placed people on our hearts, and sometimes we don't even pick up the phone. Or stop by. And time is not promised to any of us. Another day or another chance is not promised to any of us. I was literally talking to my uncle on a Tuesday, and by a late Wednesday night, his body had shut down all the way, and he was on life support. My last full conversation with my uncle Stanley was to see if he had gotten to the ER hospital room okay. I know that you probably got a lot of life going on, and it could be full of hard things that I can barely imagine. But I ask you today, don't stop looking out for the people that God has placed on your heart. Now, notice that I said, don't stop looking out for the people that God has placed on your heart. Because everybody is not your assignment. A family relationship does not always mean that someone is your assignment. God can give you a friend that sticks closer than your own blood, sister, or brother. We can sometimes pour and give all that we have into people, family, kids, friends, jobs, or relationships that we aren't even supposed to be giving our all to. It's important that we all get clear on the people that God has called us to check on and to look out for. And if you're unsure, don't be afraid to pray about it and ask God to show you. Ask Him to show you. Who has God assigned to you to be an angel for? It could be a coworker, a classmate, a friend, a family member, or just some random person that you meet. Just as my Uncle Stanley has done for many of those whom he has come in contact with, how can we look out for others? Let's review. Uncle Stanley would want us to what? Look out for each other. Just in case you forgot, let's go back through the first three. Uncle Stanley would like us to number one, take care of ourselves, number two, be happy. Number three, look out for one another. And the final thing that Uncle Stanley would want me to remind you of is that God is love. What is the last thing that Uncle Stanley wants you to remember? God is love. I think this is the most important reminder. At the heart of my Uncle Stanley was love. Love poured out of his being. Every time he checked on any of us, every time he spent time with us, every time he drove or flew across the country to celebrate or support any of us, or brought us a care package, or lended a helping hand, it was because of love. It was because of God's love. One of my most memorable moments with my uncle is in my senior year in high school, and I was trying to figure out colleges. I wanted to go to an HBCU, Howard University in Washington, D.C. to be exact. But the Lord wanted me to come to Oral Roberts University in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Like Tulsa, Oklahoma. I didn't even think no black people lived in Tulsa, Oklahoma. And I wasn't even trying to follow Jesus like that then. And so my mom called my Uncle Stanley and was like, Stanley, the Lord told me that we need to take Margaret to Tulsa so she can see the campus of Old Roberts University. And my mom and my Uncle Stanley put me in a car and drove me to the Midwest. That is love. Nobody who doesn't love you is driving 24 hours round trips just so you can walk on a campus that's not even opening, like it was in the summer. Nobody who isn't getting paid at least is not gonna do that. My Uncle Stanley loved me so much that he sacrificed his plans, his sleep, his money, his time just for me to see what God has for me. And that whole trip changed my entire life. I have so many other stories, but this is just one example of my Uncle Stanley showing his love for me. And I'm sure all who know him have their own stories about how he's shown their love for them. But Uncle Stanley could only be love because he was reflecting God's love and because he knew God. The person who refuses to love doesn't know the first thing about God because God is love. So you can't know God if you don't love. This is how God showed his love for us. God sent his only son into the world so that we might live through him. This is the kind of love we are talking about. Not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and he sent his son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage that we've done to our relationship with God. I believe that we can't fully grasp the depth of love until we kind of reframe our image of God. Many times we grow up and we hear or adapt our view of God based on how he is presented to us. Our view of God is based on what we hear or observe from our parents, or the church we grew up in, or what we read, or how other people experience God. I remember thinking that God was this kind of superhero like Thor. Like he was sitting on this big throne far away in heaven with a rod waiting to strike us down with lightning and send us to hell. I even remember growing up in the church, and the focus was sometimes more just around us trying not to go to hell. Yes. Like, don't get it twisted. God is indeed all powerful, he is a creator of heaven and earth, he is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. Our God is holy and righteous, and he is a judge, and he is not to be compared to any human or earthly thing. My first thoughts of God were to be afraid of him, and that I had to be perfect or cleaned up to come to him. I thought that God was distant and honestly that he was interested in just ruling people, but I was so wrong. God is kind and so close, closer than the next breath that we breathe. And all he wants to do is to love us. All God wants to do is to be with us. All God wants to do is to be with you. He loves me with an everlasting love. You see, God isn't this foreign being. No matter who you are, what your story is, your past mistakes, your failures, how much money you have or you don't have, your degrees, where you work, where you live, what you look like, God's love for you will never change. He loves you unconditionally, today, yesterday, and forever. You can't earn God's love. You can't pay for it, you can't do enough good works to earn it. Whether you go to church twice a week or whether you don't go at all, he loves you the same. And the thing is, there is nothing that you can do to separate you from his love. Absolutely nothing. No matter how much you run or hide or pretend that his love doesn't exist, he's always right there, waiting for you, loving you. My Uncle Stanley was a constant, consistent, and reliable person in my life. But God, my God, is even better. Picture this: you get into your bed every night, you fall asleep, and when you wake up in the morning, God is there in your room, wherever your room may be, sitting quietly in the corner, just waiting for you. Every single day without fail. His love is waiting for you each and every day. Every single minute, every single hour. His love remains for you. When human love ends, when it disappoints, condemns, and forgets, when you disappoint, or don't even know how to love yourself, God's love remains constant, steadfast, reliable, and never changes. My Uncle Stanley was a reflector of God's love. And just like if you really knew him, spent time with him, spoke with him, or experienced my Uncle Stanley, you had no choice but to be changed. You had no choice but to love him back. In an even greater sense, if we really take the time to know, to talk with, to experience God, to invite him into our lives, into our hearts, into our spaces, our lives will never be the same. God sent his only son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for our sins. This was the ultimate picture of love and sacrifice. And it is God's love that draws us to live better lives, change lives, to love ourselves, and to love one another better. My prayer, and I believe that Uncle Stanley's prayer would be that you would leave here today with more space to receive God's love. As we celebrate the life of Erwin Stanley Chess, I encourage you to remember the reminders from my Uncle Stanley. Take care of yourself. Be happy. Look out for one another. And know that God is love. My mom said at the beginning of my Uncle Stanley's celebration of life that he was a good and perfect gift to our family. And indeed, he was. And to close this episode, I just want to give thanks to God for the good and perfect gifts that He's given many of us. And I want to remind you to cherish the people in your life, spend time with them and love on them. Dear Heavenly Father, I thank you for this day. I thank you for allowing us to wake up. Wherever we are in this world, you allowed us to wake up, to be able to move our bodies, to be able to have the faculty of the use of our limbs, to be able to hear and to think and to speak. Even if we're a little wobbly with all those things, I thank you, God, for that. Because if there is still breath in our lungs, you are not done. And there's so much more to our stories. God, I thank you for my Uncle Stanley. How I miss him so. I thank you, God, for the time that you've blessed him with on this earth. I thank you for blessing our family with his life. He could have been born in any other place in the world. He could have been given to any other family, but you gave him to my family. And I just want to say thank you. Thank you that he was a good and perfect gift to our life. Thank you that I had 41 years of him loving and caring and supporting me. Thank you, God. Thank you for his presence. Thank you for his kindness. Thank you for his love and his consistency and his reliability. Thank you for his care. Thank you that he checked on me and per protected me. Thank you that I was safe with him. Thank you that my kids got to know him and to love him. Thank you that they got to experience him. Thank you for his life. Father, I pray that you would help me to take care of myself. That you would help me to be happy. That you would help me to look out for those in my life. That you would help me to know that you are loved. God, I pray that you would help those who are listening to take care of themselves. Help them to be happy. Help them to look out for one another. Help them to know that you are love. God, I pray that you would help us to cherish the beautiful people that you've placed in our lives. Help us to not take them for granted. Help us to cherish their presence. Help us to spend time with them. Help us to love on them. Help us to take it to take advantage of their laughs and their smiles and the way they speak and the way they walk and the way they dress and how they show up in the room. Help us to not take life for granted. God, I thank you for trusting us with good and perfect gifts. I pray that we would give them back to you the way that you've given them to us. I pray, Father God, that you would continue to reveal to us your love each and every day. And as we receive your love and as we accept your love, that we would be able to give your love to others. Thank you, God. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen. Amen. Thank you for listening to this episode of Girl Live Love Be. I know it was kind of longer than usual, but this is my life. This is my heart. Please like, subscribe, and share. You can feel free to email me at girllivy at gmail.com. I'd love to hear from you. Until next time, my prayer is that you live right, you'll love right, and you'll be right. And I also pray that you'll take care of yourself, that you'll be happy, that you'll look out for one another, and that you'll know that God is love. Thank you. Talk to you soon.